Toys R Me with Lance Reddick

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A heartfelt exploration of the life of a small business owner.

See the original at: http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/33f6...

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Closed Caption:

congratulations it's time to call mom
and dad tell them that the second
mortgage they took out from your degree
was with it because you now have a job a
job not agreed
no no no my job is just a foot in the
door
you want a career you want to be
standing where I'm standing 15 years
from now then you had better listen
there is fucking carefully to the next
176 words out of my mouth because this
is your new reality when you walk
through that door
each and every morning your ass is mine
there will be no cell phone use there
will be no smoke breaks there will be no
conversation and put into the job
there will be no motherfucking shit
stick unless authorized by me personally
and if you happen to be lucky enough to
get that authorization
you will have exactly four minutes and
30 seconds to expel your figure material
wipe your ass and wash your filthy hands
and get back to work
and if i happen to come across this shit
smeared on the toilet bowl of that
employee restroom
I will personally go to each and every
one of your homes and shoot in places
that will leave you confused for the
rest of your lives
excellence
I expected I demanded and I delivered
and there's really only one thing you
need to know and they say
tours are some other functions this is
toys r me
what the fuck is this
that's the bakugan display you asked me
to set up
imagine if you can that you are a proud
and powerful goggle
can you do that I don't know i don't
think so
you imagine it okay good
now you tell me what a garden would call
this a Bakugan display or what a ganar
would call this a bitter insult to his
race not worth shooting on for all the
savory dream Kristen's in the lavender
cloud dimension know the god damn toys
and show them some fucking respect
you have exactly 15 seconds to finish
whatever the hell it is you're doing in
there or I will kick in this fucking
door and drag your ass out do you hear
me can you chill out on my period
this toy store sucks
there's not even any xbox games
have you ever heard the story of the
rich old man in the street dog now
sounds crappy yeah there was once a very
old man and one day he came across the
street dog
what he decided to take that dog home
with him and that dog went straight to
the fire and rolled himself up in an old
rug and started children and old ball
rolling is the old man what the dog lots
of expensive beds
lots of expensive meals much better than
most people get to eat but that dog
always went back to the old rugged metal
ball because he knew that that was all
he really needed
now who do you think you are in the
story
let me guess the ritual man get your
happiest couple of simple things in life
no you are the running shit the dog
would take every morning because he had
came and collected from living on the
streets on now get the fuck out of most
yeah
you know I've noticed your work around
do you really yes
the reading prison wow thank you know if
you keep this up you could find yourself
writing a high on the whole in no time
arrays really know the whole hog is what
I call my penis
poor me poor me
toys are we