Everything Wrong With GoldenEye In 14 Minutes Or Less

We've only done one Bond film to date, Skyfall. And we definitely needed to get back to that series. With Pierce Brosnan going action again for the upcoming November Man, we figured now was a good time.

Thursday: Sins you've been asking us to do for a long time.

Remember, no movie is without sin. Which movie's sins do YOU want to see recounted?

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Closed Caption:

damn shoot him already
why is the gate opening tip on do
something that closet open while he was
running towards it
obviously not pierce brosnan basically
mug for the camera so that we can tell
who's obviously not pierce brosnan
honest
also is this the damn he just jumped off
seems kind of short for what we saw at
the beginning
just in case you confused it with the
Contras damn in Switzerland pooping and
then bomb landed face-first into a
dirty-ass bathroom stall less than four
minutes into the movie and James Bond
has already allowed himself to be snuck
up on John Dean isn't dying in this
scene tonight listen to save the world
again after you double 0 6 be secret
agents need to remind each other of
their code numbers things bring them for
England
now they have to remind each other of
their own names you have 10 seconds
well you say that but then you gave him
17 before you act what are your giant
sean bean isn't dying in this scene
either haha growls gasps times
how did they not already do that with
all the previous fired bullets then
seriously these gas tanks are just ready
to follow once the gate gets way
amazing that the Russians built the
facility in this manner and that bond
somehow knew that by shooting the bolt
on the gates this would happen is the
Russian military leader yelling commands
to his soldiers in English
Bob can't hit anything anyway movie
unintentionally inspires the military
air base and just cause 2 also pilot
just happens to be leaving to get bond
convenient escape plane and a reason for
the Russians not to shoot him shoot this
gun up in the air and a magic bullet
still blast the Russian JFK off his
motorcycle
ya better not shoot him or anything what
are the odds a highly-trained British
spy could get away in this situation
granite this is a really cool stunts
bond had no other option the chemical
facility was going to blow they were
russian dudes about to kill him but no
way
the chances of you surviving this is
like winning the lottery and then going
to vegas to win the world series of
poker main event and then putting a
quarter in a million dollar slot machine
and winning the jackpot and then getting
struck by lightning as this plane falls
i'll just wait for something to block my
view so i could be extra nervous about
whether or not he survives
now that we see bond flying to safety
how did you get up this high in the
first place
remember the path he took he jumped off
this many lasers way further down and he
got to the bathroom
more down went down these steps and
eloquent down the shaft for England then
they go up once here which the movie is
apparently
thing is the equivalent of a hundred
floors back down these steps and finally
down this conveyor belt
suddenly he's on top of a mountain and
this facility on top of that makes zero
to negative sense
where did all the russian dudes go see
reflection
Tina Turner nepotism the nine years
later subtitle functions only to tell us
that Sean beam isn't dead
I'm not the driver seat in this scene
cheating but I was just a to evaluate
you sending cute psychologist a bond is
like buying them hookers for the weekend
assholes the shot clearly establishes
the cars need to go brief stretch of
highway before encountering the cyclists
but then in following shots the cars
continue to be your intern wildly movie
sets up the bicycle people to be a major
obstacle but then merely turns it into a
domino joke
paparazzi yes I gave not on that top
damn i was hoping her name would end in
doggystyle also character named
accidentally inspires entire Austin
Powers franchise minds
zoom and enhance cliche I trust you'll
stay on top of wordplay is fun
screenwriting is easy when a girl is hot
screws a dude like this you know that
dude is dead seen contains some sort of
land-based sexual thing
no sin bond sees a former Russian
fighter pilot with mob ties going toward
the battleship with a new stealth
helicopter on it but the science to
snoop around on the yacht for some
reason which gives on a top and a
partner enough time to steal the
helicopter
sure he sees the dead body but it wasn't
like he was expecting to see a dead body
sure these gunshots on a ship full of
people definitely will be heard on shops
the guard and expects to get to the
helicopter already in the air without
getting detained shot and I don't blame
him
his bond but the movie will decide he's
not bond enough to win this round
get right in front of you and can open
that a lot of dorks italia then types
three letters and suddenly the word
knockers appears on the screen back
god I am invincible all
yeah
general out article ego which one of a
kind of space division Russian security
requires high ranking personnel to state
their title in English cottage and super
evil in this movie and still not my
girlfriend on adoption event expecting
for someone to just still be up here and
assumes death occurs
it's clean I should ventilate song
that'd be hilarious if you actually
check to see if someone was did we
interrupt this live-action james bond
movie to bring you a cartoon about a
satellite mi6 can find a missing
helicopter via satellite
honestly I'm not sure we need highly
trained operatives for if you're capable
of like this
space-based weapons program called
golden eye roll credits
remember she survived this by hiding
under a small staircase in this room is
the other than this
no seriously they made it so you have to
say your name to get out of the computer
room
convenient satellite crash gives an
Italian escape from the building right
after she thought it was hopeless
the only thing missing from this
convenience as a dog with a bright red
nose you might confuse this with st.
Petersburg Florida but it won't look
like this for decades
I was a very early of the 14 is the
shingle
there was a girl so these horrible
investigation tactics he wants to resign
out of the blue
how do they not know he's probably
behind the attack King test-fires live
ammunition in a room full of people
Jesus even the Mythbusters take more
state d progressions and mi6
don't touch that's my lunch money but
didn't you come into the room in a
wheelchair with a missile firing cast
you just leave subway sandwiches around
on work tables
I mean excuse me this is great britain
to tube sandwich or is it underground
sandwich on old up due to gunpoint
outside of the airport car that never
breaks down breaks down right after we
learned about how it never breaks down
the accidentally inspires yahoo avatars
wait I'm coming in a church with an
accent showing up out of nowhere and
this isn't an x-men movie
Kirsten Paula four o'clock this
afternoon 200 pounds of c-4 explosives
on wait until they change locations to
finish this thought
random faceless asshole dude is random
faceless an asshole 56 seconds of
silence statue graveyard walking
Sean being continues to be alive in the
scene
oh please James put it away it's
insulting to think i have anticipated
your every move
ok so why wasn't anyone plugging bond
full of bullets or poison darts just now
did they know he wasn't gonna shoot
I trusted you Alex movie wants us to
feel betrayed on behalf of a bond
because this one dude we only found out
about in this movie and it was in it for
like two minutes stabbed him in the back
it wasn't God who gave me this face it
was you setting the time this for three
minutes instead of six
you also let yourself get prompted by
hundreds of gas cans without moving
which is amazing considering you were
expecting it
seriously how did you get out of there
alive Alec makes the classic building
mistake of keeping the only guy who can
stop him alive for some reason I
couldn't just kill him normally and all
the bond movies ever to use an overly
complicated attempted murder
this might be the dumbest of them all
because the bad guy was also a secret
agent and knows how many scrapes bond is
survived in his life on with your pause
button the dummies in his shot her happy
and contented why the woman in the
passenger seat looks like she's ready to
settle down and have a family after they
check from this helicopter filling goes
to the trouble to restrain bond and the
girl in this chopper and program the
self destruct missiles but leaves the
ejection function intact
does he want bond to survive he steals
the die hard 2 from die hard 2 in
detroit michigan murdered three shades
and James want dumbest criminals ever
set shot time to escape
why you didn't just go ahead and shoot
him before saying this it's really
anyone's guess at this point
not only had bond been put in easily
escapable situation has been taken
captive twice and still has his cute
boys and smashes through what could only
be the place where all the tanks are but
the dumbass general science
we don't need to find bond he's probably
long gone by now let's not kill the only
girl who can finger me as the bad guy
let's put her in a car and definitely go
out of our way to keep her alive
so I guess the idea to jump on this 343
tank which if you recall any song
looking out the window in this shot
doesn't even appear to be in the same
place as it was just seconds before but
later bonds matches through this wall
which would require maneuvering around
all these other tanks or smashing
through them which it isn't gonna do
bond is sitting in the front outdoor
tank driver seat but somehow survives
all the concrete debris unlikely kills
and injures many innocent people doing
this is kinda drinking right now might
go a long way in explaining some of his
dumb action so far in this movie or just
lazy racism
I know it's dusty but these guys don't
really know their own town enough to
know that they're about to hit this wall
or at least to know not to just wanted
the speed through the squad this Jeep
explodes because another cheap drove
over on stole this tank from a hole in
parking lot full of tanks but only
measly cars keep coming after him if he
could control it from the inside of the
tank and not expose himself to bullets
what was he ever sitting in the exterior
control seat
these cops and bad guys all inconvenient
each other perfectly without bond even
having to get involved tank easily keeps
up with a car in chase through large
city on totally smashes this police car
in this Russians cops insides are
probably all over the windshield but
because bond doesn't kill innocent
people he makes it out okay
truck literally makes a product
placement for a tank to smash through
movie inadvertently inspires tragic
third hangover movie unnecessary orders
so on Tom knew that bond and the girl
were going to try and escape today but
also that the general would recapture
the girl and be led on a chase through
the city by bond and a tank to this
exact spot and some seriously good
contingency planning
did he get up here on is able to
silently pull a tank directly into on
the top line of sight without being
discovered
also how did he know to come here car he
was chasing could have gone anywhere
we stopped to let these cop cars crash
into him he basically took himself out
of the chase
discount snowpiercer bones alive
mainly because you're the one that's
stupid but also because the general
decided not to search for bond after he
landed in the obvious court of Tanks
give me a fucking break bonds somehow
spread this tank ahead of where the
train was going as a tank run on Moss
zoom and enhance cliché again
unkillable woman is unkillable
so everyone survived that train crash
it's like a train full of Bruce Willis's
so we started dreams
yeah why didn't you just do all this
back at the first scene instead of
faking your death and all that means
nothing to me
James is right they spent a short
helicopter ejection seat ride together
and that's about it
I haven't even fucked or kissed or
anything but this is a line backing up
his spies
because that's something you need to be
online for also handy computer on a
train allows programmers to conveniently
battle boards from a remote location is
spiking might be able to find out where
they're going
well i kinda want to send the
convenience of random computer
technobabble but i'm more interested in
sending the fact that she somehow has an
internet connection inside of a tunnel
under a mountain on a derailed crash
train car in this train crash into a
tank and derail
how fortunate for Alec that one of the
non derailed cars just happens to
contain his secret escape helicopter
I said the time of 6 minutes same six
minutes you gave me quite el in the
meantime why not less time I even
telling me there are bombs at all
why not just leavin with the train
exploded and be on your way does that
mean you got three minutes
this is like the 15th time alex has left
bond live instead of just killing it
password was clearly five letters but
Natalia keeps entering four-letter
passwords also chair might have been the
easiest password to guess since the one
two three four code in spaceballs what
they seek them but I don't think you
please sure i said this idiot woman
thinks you don't take your arse your
butt or your bonds with you wherever you
go
time tracing of the phone line I simply
do not understand cliché you
I was beginning to think this mom he was
going to skip the pinky my whole life I
dreamed about coming
kind of being Italian gets the
preposition wrong and push any of the
buttons on that car just going to go ,
around it this is the single biggest
reach for a pond I have ever seen
who says this I'm gonna go bombing
around in this car
who says like that no one that's who
Jesus Mike Myers is embarrassed for you
before we save the world what time a
honeymoon on a beach paradise
what keeps you though
keep on wins over and girls logic with
the power of a strong boner time is
still a factor and we've got 80 miles to
go
let's magic sheet well surely aLEC has
already arrived at the satellite and is
ready to fire another MP
let's wait are they really on their own
timetable and we're just going around
putting the fate of the world at risk
back on sexy beach and James Bond man
plane crash that means nothing means
nothing bond thinks this chick is
capable of dying
yeah sure lets kick him to death is a
specialized in range seeks mean it's
damn you've had like two days to set all
this up and has been screwing that
pretty lady's brains out the whole time
what you've been doing I want to reduce
guess because that humongous electricity
based piece of equipment totally fits in
that tiny leak and still works when
soaking wet
ok so the satellite was under water the
whole time did you have a deep sea diver
build this thing under the water
did you build it in a big hole in the
ground and add water later because i'm
beginning to think either method is
pretty impossible dream
no one who is a bad guy for a living
notices these two to sincere one bond
walks out stupidly somehow knowing these
assholes won't shoot and to these
assholes don't shoot
James was an unpleasant surprise
unpleasant maybe but surprise
no way dude you intentionally left him
alive time after time after time and you
know the Rossoneri bond movies didn't
ate very well when I spent half this
movie waiting for Denise Richards to
show up in the end you're just a bank
robber nothing more than a common thief
and the movie stills from the first I
heart that the filmmakers had seen die
hard with a vengeance before filming
this movie that would have been riddles
to get right in front of you and can
open that allowed dogs
this computer has an encryption in
progress morning welcome to the awesome
idea
in soviet russia party finds you okay i
know the movie wants me as an audience
member to know that this is the bomb pen
but honestly I am too upset about how
obviously was strong-armed that thing
into his possession
I mean that bond gets captured in his
pockets are empty which didn't have an
earlier in the movie when he was
captured but it
whatever and then after a scuffle with a
woman this guy winds up the bomb pen
purely by coincidence
every bank of computers got exploded
except the one Boris needs to break the
codes climax on gigantic satellite dish
takes place inside tiny room
no James I was always better at talking
million risks his life to go after hero
because movie cliché of all the movies
to kill Sean being this is the only one
that let gravity do the bulk of the work
Sean Bean isn't dying in the scene
either finally know right
worthless Americans are worthless maybe
to like to finish the briefing each
other at Guantanamo you see kids there
was a time when having sex
quantum Oh didn't have bad connotations
maybe to like to finish debriefing each
other at one time moment
yeah
I get a bigger prey right here this damn
right here
some things don't react shouldn't have
said that
no more questions don't ask any more
questions that's top secret that
yeah
I'm going to leave them alone and not
actually witnessed and dying i'm just
going to assume that all went to plan
what I have a gun in my room you give me
five seconds I'll get it I'll come back
down here Bo
I'll blow their brains out Scott you
just don't get it
we r you don't okay Showtime support you
guys figure sex machine
nature that Mitchell is one fair mom
just talk about Mitchell looks like
Randall
fascinating stuff I must protest this is
my investigation you out of our shit job
watch it from what I'm hearing it is you
who is on the water water trial is out
of water seconds
it started the trace they made the
second leg
you've got the satellite in Tokyo these
guys are good
aircraft strands come you've got about
20 seconds mission
yeah
I know this is probably a little late to
be asking but I marry I marry
what kind of question is that how can
you ask me that
don't you know me at all