Magical Fairy Cannon, a Dungeons & Drawgons Tale

Thomas the sorcerer was a critical shit.

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Closed Caption:

Hi, my name is Andy, and I want to talk to
you about a D&D character I played once.
The first character I played in this campaign
was actually a dwarf named Keveac, and for
legal and spiritual reasons I've elected not
talk about him
because it was a dark time, a dark place,
I did dark things, and I think we all just
felt dirty when I was playing him.
But anyway
The character that I am going to talk about
was named Thomas, and I wanted Thomas to be
sort of like a sheriff
I thought that a sheriff should have a gun,
but not just any gun, a rifle.
But our DM Alex said I couldn't have one.
"Doesn't exist," he says.
And I said, "Well, what if it was like a magical
rifle instead?"
And he looked at me suspiciously because he
knows when I find loopholes that it's seldom
not an excuse to do something inhumane.
But, I don't know, he's not feeling particularly
imaginative, so he says okay.
Which was a mistake, because here's what I
did.
Instead of having a normal gun, I had an arcane
cannon. And it was like a flintlock rifle,
except you don't have bullets, and instead
I had a sack of fairies.
I'd reach into the sack of fairies and pull
one out, kicking and screaming, and I'd shove
it into the barrel of the cannon.
And, you know, for authenticity purposes,
and to make it seem more like a normal gun,
I really wanted to emulate that process.
So, I crammed the fairy into the opening of
the cannon and I take my ramrod and I just
kind of jam the fairy in there with a series
of quick jabbing motions.
With the fairy loaded into the cannon, I pull
the trigger and a spell fires out of the end.
Class-wise I was actually a Sorcerer, this
was just the horrible inhumane mechanic I
had devised to achieve that end.
Where did I get the fairies? I don't know,
it doesn't really matter. It was a flavor
thing.
I had a limitless supply, as far as I can
remember.
I mean, who knows, maybe I had some kind of
horrible fairy work camp where I took the
first born of every family and made it live
out it's life in the dark confines of my ammo
sack, only to meet it's grim demise at the
end of my ramrod.
So that was the basic premise behind Thomas,
but I didn't play him for very long.
As a group we decided that each time a spell
was fired from the arcane cannon, it would
also release a cloud of pixie dust that would,
through prolonged exposure, have strange effects
on one's mind.
This was my excuse for making a lawful good
character act like a complete maniac.
So I did some dumb things, killed a few people,
made an old lady into soup, betrayed my best
friends and ultimately was thrown to a group
of hungry gnolls as a distraction while the
rest of the party escaped.
Which was really unfair, because what I did
was nothing compared to the shit Keveac pulled
- and he lived.
But, I don't want to talk about that.
Well - That was one of my D&D stories, but
I want to hear yours. Go down to the comments
and tell me all the inexcusable things your
characters are going to hell for.