Facebook Increases User Control With New 'Cancel Account' Feature

President Obama releases a new tell-all book about America, a cute eight-year-old is beginning to realize how much better she is than ugly girls, and a new Facebook feature allows users to cancel their account. It's the week of October 31st, 2011.

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Closed Caption:

Security guards chase a naked
USA fan around the White House.
Jennifer Lopez announces her own
clothes line line.
And a grandpa reports there's
more ginger ale in the garage.
I won't waste your time
with a needless, self-serving
introduction,
this is the Onion
Week in Review.
President Obama releases a new
tell-all book about America.
The 800 page book titled:
'O Say Have I Seen,
the Real Truth Behind
the Red, White and Blue'
details numerous
shocking revelations
about the American people,
including its inability
to manage finances,
struggles with oil addiction
and frequent battles
with obesity.
While America may appear strong
and confident on the outside,
the reality is much different.
The things I've seen,
the greed, the excess,
the unbelievable vanity
would make most people think
twice about referring to America
as the greatest country
in the world.
In an interview Monday,
Obama said the tell-all
was something he had
to get off his chest
give the fact that he was abused
by America for several years.
In science news, archaeologists
have uncovered the remains
of an ancient race of job creators
in America's Rust Belt.
Scientists say the long-forgotten
civilization
once flourished between
New York State and Illinois,
erecting large brick
and steel structures
capable of holding hundreds
of paid workers at a time.
Several of the ancient empire's
grandest settlements
including Gary, Cleve-Land
and Pitt's Burg
once supplied entire communities
with life-long employment,
researchers say,
although sadly this way of life
died out some time ago.
A new Facebook feature
released this week
allows users to cancel
their account.
Touting this as the latest step
in the company's overall effort
to enrich the way people
connect and share,
Facebook called the feature
an exciting new level
of user interactivity.
We want to give Facebook users
a level of control
they've never had before,
and allowing them
to delete their account
is a big step in that direction.
Facebook representatives
say that in the wake
of their new site redesign,
now is as good a time as any
to introduce the new
account-deleting feature.
In local news,
a cute eight year old
is beginning to realize
how much better she is
than ugly girls.
Since I'm cute
and they're not,
that means that
they're not as good as me.
In other news, John Huntsman
is secretly relieved
to be polling so poorly
with GOP voters.
A slaughterhouse worker
is told to stop naming them all,
and sure, an area man
can watch your cat
while his life is falling apart,
no problem.
You have just participated
in a large-scale
psychological research study.
Please fill out the attached
liability waiver
and send it to
theonion.com/newsbeat