Although honesty is generally taught as the best policy, I would propose that it is the only policy to follow in 99% of cases. The other 1% could be called "white lies." How are you to know the difference, that is, when someone is telling the whole truth as opposed to a white lie? Here are some tips that will help you spot a liar. There was an old Hollywood movie starring Charles Bronson as a buffalo hunter and Will Sampson as an Indian Chief. They are in a cave together, hunting the same killer white buffalo, when they engage in a conversation about truth. Bronson, known to the Indians as "the shooter" because he is a skilled hunter, has his version of the truth and the Chief has his. The Chief asks - "Tell me Shooter, what is the true truth?" I ask you the same question. For me, the true truth is the whole truth, no shading. What is it for you?
As we go about our interaction with each other, the white lie is employed more than any other form of communication with those closest to us. We are more apt to shade the truth in order to avoid hurt feelings or, when we know a person really well, we tell a white lie because we know they really don't want the true truth. They have their version of the true truth and that's the version they want to hear.
When we deal with strangers, telling a lie is easy because we likely will never see them again but what about that stranger we may see again? You need to decide if what you are lying about is worth what you will gain as opposed to the potential consequences if your lie is discovered. It is a personal decision. You need to be realistic with yourself. It is easy to become a compulsive liar and ruin your life. Under what circumstances are you willing to risk damaging relationships, reputation, and future opportunities. Ask yourself. Do the benefits of telling the lie outweigh the risks?
For example: A teen boy tells his parents he's going to the movies with a friend but he's really going to a concert with his girlfriend. Logically, the parents are going to ask what the movie was about and if he enjoyed it. Now, beforehand, the teen could Google a summary of what was in the movie; along with the climax so he can be ready for the questions. Such a young man may not consider the consequences if he is caught in the lie. He does not realize that his parents will be emotionally hurt by his lie and will take a long time before ever trusting him again. His lie has destroyed the parent-child relationship for a long time to come.
Telemarketing has taught us that it's relatively easy to lie to someone over the phone because the sense of personal connection is very small. You can't see them; they can't see you. As a result, you are less likely to feel guilty and, therefore, give visual clues that you may be deviating from your normal behavior. If you were closer to the person physically, you would have a greater personal connection. Consequently, you would be more likely to reveal, in some way, that you are engaging in deceptive behavior.
The same reasoning applies to being close to a person psychologically. If you try to lie to your girlfriend or boyfriend, there are numerous psychological pressures. For example, you'll think about what happens if you get caught, feel guilty about lying to someone you care about and it will be more difficult to focus on mimicking your normal behavior. This phenomenon is often called "liars' remorse," and it's usually what people are talking about when they say a liar "wants to get caught." Those closest to us know when we are lying and when we are shading the truth a bit.
Most strangers will not have a clue if you are an accomplished liar. It takes years, by the way, to develop a liar's mentality. An amateur liar will not look you right in the eye when lying. They may touch their head with their hand, or hold their palms up as they spin the lie. These are both giveaways. An accomplished liar does the opposite. They look you in the eye, their hands at their side. An amateur liar will use the strongest adjectives and a voice level that are above normal pitch and speed. A friend of mine says - "I can tell when someone's lying. They talk faster than I can listen."
Most professionals employ specific tactics to catch liars. The cops will make small talk with you to establish what your "normal" behaviors are. When they get down to the serious subject matter, they look for cracks in that normal behavior. Polygraph machines work the same way. There are mental and physical drives that can be detected by skilled interviewers, as well as machines.
There are many more subliminal messages people send when lying. Do some research and learn what they are and how to avoid them.
Jim DeSantis Jim DeSantis is a retired investigative journalist who is now a full time blogger. Grab Jim's Free Report "How To Spot A Liar" (click here). No email is required. Visit Jim's blog about the Workplace (click here) for more free information.
